The things that were meant to be said the first time

[Mateo Sanz Rare]

It had been about two weeks since he had written that letter to Lena and if he told anyone that he wasn't worried about getting stood up from Lena then he would be dead, stuck dead by the gods right here and now. Everything in him was telling him to run to the cabin and not look back. But there was something in him that made him want to wait it out and see what she would do. He hoped she would come and save him from all these things running through his head. He had no idea what he was going to say at the moment, or even do. Would he run to her or just stand there looking like a fool. Maybe more than likely the later of the two. He paced back and forth for a little while and began to run different things in his head. He hadn't seen her in a little while and he had to wonder how big she had gotten. If she was having a boy or girl.. no..not her.. they. If they were having a boy or girl. He felt the butterflies in his stomach, and he finally took a seat on the sand. He was going to wait here all night long. 

 

@ Helena L'Amour

[Helena L'Amour Rare Rare]

People told her that she was crazy for thinking Mateo would ever return. Helena was even starting to think that perhaps it was a bit far-fetched to think that he might ever come back. But she never really gave up hope. She believed to her core that her mother had given her the gift of charmspeak at the cost of only being able to fall in love once in her life--and that Mateo was it. She also believed, though, that because it was a once-in-a-lifetime love, that it would work out in the end. She wouldn't let her life be the next Greek tragedy. She went to their beach every day before the letter had arrived, so strong was her faith that he would return. So when Mateo's letter arrived, Lena felt all at once vindicated, furious, and relieved.

Vindicated. She had been right. Not just about the fact that he was coming back, but, if her intuition was correct about the letter, Mateo would finally have come to his senses. He will finally have realized his own emotions. And if that was true, Helena knew they could weather any storm. Even if that storm was her...

Furious. Helena was absolutely enraged that he had even left in the first place. That he had waited four months to contact her. And it was insane that he had the audacity to assume she would just be sitting there waiting for him. Even if he is right. For all he knew, she could have moved on. The nerve! The least he could have done was let me know he was alive!

Relief. But he was alive, and he was on his way home. Back to her. And he had gotten them an apartment. He had made her so worried when he hadn't let her know that he was at least safe, and now she knew that he was. Things will be okay... She hadn't quite forgiven him. And it was going to be a long road before she really trusted that he wouldn't run out on her again. A very long road. But at least they would get that opportunity. And that was more than enough for Helena for now.

Helena made her way to the beach. He had called it 'their spot' and she couldn't agree more. It had been just her spot until he found her that day. If she had known then what would befall them, she might have played her cards a little differently--though not much. She was, overall, happy with the outcome. At least, she thought she would be, after today. Hope. It was the first time she had managed to really feel it since he had left. Before now it was a conscious decision she had needed to make, not to lose it. Now it came naturally again. If things worked out, Helena would be sure to thank her mother for not letting her faith be in vain.

As she neared the beach, she saw him standing there. Just as perfect as ever. Helena couldn't say the same for herself anymore. She was five months along now. Her belly was really starting to show now. She had started taking to wearing only her yoga pants, and she wasn't even sure how much longer that was going to be an option before she had to send her siblings into town to get her some actual maternity clothes. Her back hurt, her feet were swollen half the time, and she could hardly remember where she put things anymore. Being pregnant was not exactly a walk in the park, and she didn't make it any easier by trekking out to the beach every day. But the air coming off the bay and the belief that Mateo would return had soothed her each day, and now she had only to reach out and he would be there again.

Don't just give in. You deserve someone who will stay. Don't let him decide everything just because you want him back. You have to look out for your child's heart too. She reminded herself. But Mateo was pacing. It was easy to see that he was nervous too. So, perhaps, this would be an easier conversation than she anticipated.

Stopping a few feet shy of him, Helena spoke. "...Please don't make me regret my decision to come today." The words were snarky, but there was an actual plea behind them. If he listened for it, Mateo could have easily heard the worry and fear that Helena had in her voice. Her heart was in his hands. Her future depended on what happened today. And Helena was terrified. But she was also angry. And anger often overwhelmed her ability to be rational before being pregnant. The hormones had only made that worse.

[Mateo Sanz Rare]

Mateo stayed sitting there, even when she arrived. He knew better than to run up to him. She would end up hitting him and he didn't want that to be the way that things started off here. He sighed a little and wanted to roll his eyes at her snarky words. There was something else in there and he just looked at her in that moment. He didn't know what to say, so he just looked at her. Her body had changed a lot since he seen her last. She was just about five months now, so that was what a woman looked like. He hummed a little and patted the sand next to him. "I'm not going to hurt you... physically, mentally or emotionally." he added the last part to the end because he hadn't really done that, emotionally maybe. But he was stupid..and she knew that he was, along with not being ready for anything that was going to happen. He wasn't ready emotionally to be a dad or be the man that she wanted him to be. He had no idea what he was going to do from this point on, but he knew that he had to try to do something. As he didn't think that he could start over with someone else. Besides, she was the one that was carrying his child. 

He sighed as he watched for her to move closer to him, if she did. "Look." He began with a sigh. "I honestly didn't mean to hurt you in the way that I did." he glanced over at the water now watching the waves hit the sand with a splash. "I'm an asshole and I know that you have cussed me with every breath. I desire that." He told her with another sigh. Gods was it going to be another day full of sighs? He didn't turn his head to look at her because he knew that if he did something might crack in him and he didn't know if he would be able to hold in the whole thing. "You have known that I've been this way since forever." he told her, it was true. He honestly at one point in his life didn't want to be claimed by anyone. He wanted to have his own time and do what and who ever he wanted, now it was a little different. 

"That day, I just went to go for a walk and ended up talking to Levi." he said remembering what they had talked about. "Finding out that he knew months before I did hurt me more than anything. I ended up punching a hole in his wall." he didn't feel that best about the way that things ended on their end. "It wasn't you that made me leave, it was my shame." he told her as he glanced over at her. A pleading look on his face. "I hurt you and my best friend." he told her. "I was just going to go and kill some monsters and be right back." he told her with a promise. "I killed the monsters with ease and then another idea hit me." he sat up straighter in the sand. Trying to lock his eyes with hers. "I thought that maybe you wouldn't want to live here with the baby, even thought it might be safer. I'm sure Lilythe wouldn't care." he went on in thought. "But I wanted to give you something that you could call your own." he began with a soft tone, he hadn't and wouldn't raise his voice to her. He hadn't come to fight with her. If she wanted to then he would silence her, how he didn't know just yet. He glanced away back at the water. "We have our own place, a two-bedroom apartment in town." he told her. "The key that I gave you opens that door." he told her as he ran his hand over his hair. 

[Helena L'Amour Rare Rare]

Helena wasn't sure that she truly believed Mateo. Not that he didn't mean what he said, she knew him well enough to know that he didn't say much of anything that he had time to think through that he didn't mean--impulsive comments made in the heat of the moment, however, were usually regretted the next day. No, she believed he meant it. She also knew that it was a promise that he couldn't keep if his emotions got the better of him again. And this time she didn't have the stability to be the rational one between them. Cautiously, she walked closer to him.

She stood a couple feet away. Close enough that he could reach out and touch her if he wanted, but she kept her arms crossed. Her last few months had been hell without him. She wasn't going to make this easy for him. She deserved an apology and she would be damned if he got one ounce of affection before he gave it to her.

As Mateo stated that she knew him, she quirked her brow. If he was willing to admit that, perhaps he would be more willing to understand why she waited to tell him that she had anticipated. She wasn't going to relax her guard just yet. He had promised her the world before, and pulled it away from her the second he didn't like how she handled something. That was not the foundation for a stable relationship, and that's what she needed for her and her child now: stability. "Yeah, I do know you... it's almost like that might have been why it was so hard to tell you in the first place..."

She cut herself off as he continued to speak and tell her about that day. He blamed the shame he felt for leaving, but Helena wasn't sure that she could believe that. After all, he had taken months to contact her. She hadn't even been showing when he left, and now she couldn't hide her bump anymore. She continued to look down at him, arms crossed over her stomach as he spoke, not saying a word. Levi hadn't told her about the hole being punched in his wall, but Helena supposed that might have explained why things had been so quiet around her since Mateo left. She had assumed it was because he hadn't want to admit that she had been right about how Mateo would react. "What do you want me to say, Mateo? Thank you? You left me for months. I'm pregnant with your child and I didn't know if you cared... I didn't know if you were alive. You were just gone for months!" Tears came to her eyes. She didn't bother to try and hide them or look away. He was going to see them. He was going to see exactly what his actions had done to her, and she was going to get her apology. "I get it, you got distracted by things... and you're trying to do the right thing, I guess, by building a place for us. But I don't want it..."

That wasn't exactly true. She did want it. But... "Not like this..." She looked at him, meeting his eyes. Letting him see her cry. "I want it when you can tell me you love me. When you can tell me that you want to build a life with me. I want it when it's more than just... a shotgun response to knocking me up!" And that's what she was afraid all of this was. Not that she couldn't feel his love for her--she felt it now just as much as she had felt it when things had started to grow serious between them. But she had learned that just because he felt it didn't mean he could recognize it or act in alignment with it. He had proved time and time again that just because he loved her didn't mean he couldn't hurt her. "Mateo... I want you to want to be with me because of how you feel about me. Not because you feel like I'm some obligation because we forgot to use protection." Her tears kept flowing down her cheeks as she continued. "So... if that's all you have to say for yourself..."

In that moment Helena got a look on her face of slight discomfort. "Not the best timing little guy..." She said to her stomach. The baby had started moving recently, and Helena knew it was a good sign, but it also could be uncomfortable at times. Even when it wasn't, it was always distracting. And she needed to be able to focus on this conversation until it was over.